Birth Light

Birth Light
We are all born with an inextinguishable light inside. Abuse is sacrilege against the blessedness of an innocent child. Sexually abused and raped from ages 3 to 10 by my father, I could not see myself as I truly was. I only saw myself through the distorted lens of his incestuous rape. When I met my husband and gave birth to our first son, my image of myself as I knew it transformed. A deep knowing stirred in me; this abomination I endured did not destroy my innate light, but blinded me to it. The birth of our second son profoundly deepened this understanding.
Giving birth dilated me in body and emotionally in heart. Through my baby I was opening my heart to myself too. When the nurse rolled him into my room and handed him to me, everything became silent, my vision narrowed and I could see only him. He was pink, with oceanic indigo eyes, rosebud lips, silken vanilla skin. My body caught fire. My eyes met his stare. I could not pull my gaze from him.
I wept, Every hair on my body stood up. Rushing with ecstasy, a feeling of wholeness and holiness immersed me. I did not put him down for 3 days, he nursed then slept in my arms. I awoke at 3am. the first night. I looked at him and saw a halo of light. A vibration emanated from him. In this moment it hit me, at 21 years old, this light in him existed simply because he existed. It was the intuitive light of birth, a birthlight we all possess. Suddenly, I looked into the mirror of him, and he reflected to me my inborn goodness, my birthright to my light. I thought, “I had this, I was just like him.” I felt a whooshing in my belly, an echo of remembrance that I too was once a tiny girl baby with an intrinsic light that no man could kill. That no abandoning mother could kill. I, in those revelatory morning moments, had an epiphany, I only thought I had lost this light. My body became melodic, like a child‘s. I remembered the song of my birthlight.
Sexual trauma creates a tremendous fear of my children ever feeling anything like I felt. If my own parents abandoned, raped, and denied me and my basic right to exist, I must be damaged, right?
Wrong. I have persecuted myself as a mother, thinking any mistake meant my kids would be traumatized. I am hyperaware, even paranoid regarding my children’s safety. I am completely bewildered how anyone, especially a mother or father, could sexualize their child. I don’t understand it. I never felt the need to idealize either of my parents. This is a blessing. It has saved me much pain and anguish, as many who do traverse that path end up unable to feel the righteous anger, the mental and emotional separation, the boundaries that come down. It is, in short, empowering to look at abusers as they are. But it is also painful, because we are born loving our parents. To have to see the reality of what they are is painful to say the least. However, becoming a mother showed me that my birthlight was always within me. I am capable of keeping my children safe. The tapestry of their lives is totally different than mine was. I now see my light, and vow to protect theirs eternally. That is the unexpected gift of my trauma. Namaste.

Betrayal Trauma

 If a parent perpetuates abuse, it is often necessary for the child to survive thus, they "forget". The memory can be pushed into unconsciousness. There is something called Betrayal trauma, which occurs when the people or institutions on which a person depends for survival significantly violate that person’s trust or well - being: Childhood physical, emotional, or sexual abuse perpetrated by a caregiver are examples of betrayal trauma. "Indeed it is the human condition to know and not know about a betrayal." Women do this with their husband's affairs sometimes. Something as mortally terrifying as sexual abuse understandably can elicit this. If a child lives with the abuser, the defense mechanism would likely be to repress what is happening in order to cope with something they do not even have words or the mental capacity for. (Betrayal Trauma: The Logic of Forgetting Childhood Abuse By Jennifer J. Freyd)

Another definition of betrayal trauma is a theory that predicts that the degree to which a negative event represents a betrayal by a trusted and needed other will influence the way in which that events is processed and remembered. (Betrayal Trauma Theory: From Sivers, Schooler, & Freyd (2002) What if the abuser is someone the child can't afford NOT to trust? In the case of preverbal children who have been abused, "as adults, our conscious memory of our first three years is blank because we index so much of our explicit memory by words that nonspeaking children have not learned, but also because the hippocampus is one of the last brain structures to mature." (Myers, 285) I wonder if the fact that our culture has historically been mute and language-less about sexual abuse, especially incest, contributes in some way to the psychogenic amnesia some people face?

In therapy it is essential to give the patient a sense of an invitation to talk, that it can and will be heard, tolerated, and that an excessive level of personal horrification can be contained, and properly dealt with.....this is so key.

My personal experience with trauma is that my memories are very clear and lucid. I know what happened, I remember it all.  I have never repressed anything, but when living with my father, I had to dissolve the truth of what was happening in a kind of vortex of unthinking. My memories of the trauma ARE like a video, like an old time movie reel. I have remembered more and more in the first person over the last few years. Most survivors I have met say the same thing. I have learned, in my personal life, that the totality of the emotional impact, which may coincide with MORE remembering, happens when a person gets into a safe atmosphere. It is akin to Stockholm syndrome. You are the child, you love your parent, and thus you CAN NOT KNOW what is true. That comes later, when you are in a safe environment. It wasn't until I met my husband at 19, and moved away from my family of origin/abuser that I was able to really start to deal with what happened. No therapist ever said to me "You were abused." I came in already knowing.  In the safe container of good therapy, all reveals itself when the patient is ready. And IF, so no forcing should happen. There are many arguments to be made for the fact that mass denial of abuse still exists in society about sexual abuse. Both on a personal level, as well as institutional. Look at Penn State or the Catholic Church. I have seen and experienced copious families torn apart by NOT believing, by choosing to protect the abuser.

Many people are and will go to great lengths to NOT believe.That is the conscious, motivated betrayal that I find unforgivable.

A Tribe’s Epidemic of Child Sex Abuse

U.S. Stepping In As Sexual Abuse and Rape Pervades Sioux Tribe

This is unacceptable anywhere, but for people already marginalized since just about forever, I am relieved that something will be done. Before we blame poverty and alcohol, we need to look at WHY is there rampant poverty, and alcoholism? Those questions must be asked to even begin to unearth the root(s) of this soul-murdering that is happening to these children.
In May 2011, a 9-year-old girl and her 6-year-old brother were killed on the reservation after being raped and sodomized. This is not something to look away from, but to look directly at and do what we can where we are with what we have to stop it. When will we become a nation that will NOT tolerate this?

Sparks of Hope

I recently came across another advocate. This woman really is incredible, and her organization is just what we need.  Her name is Lee Ann Mead, and her story is in this article, published in The Oregonian. Lee Ann's Story

"Our Mission is to empower children who are survivors of physical or sexual abuse to thrive by providing special services to encourage hope, and by creating opportunities that will develop
trust and healing so they can achieve life-long success."

Sparks of Hope

Much of what parents are taught about safety is wrong, according to Gavin de Becker, safety expert and author of the best-selling book Protecting the Gift. Find out how to keep your kids safe, so you can worry less! Here are some great articles, follow the link for more. 

Teach Your Kids How to Talk to Strangers

by Gavin de Becker, Family Safety Expert

It's your worst nightmare. You're in a crowded mall -- shopping for back-to-school clothes -- and you think you've lost your daughter. Teach your kids what to do when they get lost with these suggestions from Gavin de Becker's bestselling book, Protecting the Gift.

Give your kids the ability to talk to the right strangers if they're ever in a situation where they're lost, alone, or in danger. If your child becomes lost, the first thing he or she should do is to approach a woman and ask for help. Women are more likely than men to become emotionally invested in your child and are statistically almost never sexual predators. Plus, women are almost always around and easy to find.

Encourage your young children to practice talking to strangers in a safe environment. Ask them how they feel about each situation, and practice what they might say. Look for situations where you can easily observe your child from nearby. Then, talk about what happened during your child's interaction with the stranger she chose to talk to.

Start with easier situations for your child and then make them more challenging (she may need to do each more than once for practice):

1. Have her approach a stranger to ask for the time.
2. Have her approach a stranger to ask directions (i.e., to the nearest ice cream place).
3. Have her enter a store with you nearby to buy gum or candy.
4. Have her enter a store by herself to buy some gum or candy.
5. Think of your own relevant situations.

After each situation, ask your child:

1. Why she chose who she chose.
2. How the exchange went.
3. If she felt comfortable with the person she spoke with.
4. If that person was comfortable with her approach.
5. What, if anything, she could have done differently.

What If Your Child Gets Lost?

Here are some practical steps parents can take to reduce anxiety in the event a child is lost:

Dress small children in brightly colored, distinctive, easily describable outfits. Parents who remember what their children are wearing have less anxiety when they become separated.

Carry current photos of your kids. This is especially important on vacations, when families are in unfamiliar areas where being separated is even more likely. Bring along recent photos of your kids in case you get separated.

Have a plan. Agreeing beforehand that "If anybody gets lost, we'll meet at the food court" helps make reunions happen sooner.

It's inevitable that at some time every parent will lose sight of a child in public. In the overwhelming majority of these instances -- and there are tens of thousands every day -- it's the result of inattention or wandering on the part of either the parent or child, depending upon whom you ask. Soon enough they are back together, with one of them saying to the other (you guess which one): "I've told you a hundred times not to wander off."

Until a child is old enough to recognize predatory strategies, old enough and confident enough to resist them, assertive enough to seek help, and powerful enough to enforce the word "No" -- until all that happens, a child is too young to be his own protector.

Teach your child to distinguish between safe touch and unsafe touch: Safe touch (hugging, consoling, even mussing his hair) feels good. Unsafe touch (hitting, kicking, pinching, molesting) feels bad, uncomfortable, scary, or "funny" (weird).

Encourage your child to trust his instincts about which is which. Let your preschooler know that if he ever feels unsure he should come and ask you or another trusted adult.

Teaching Your Child to Protect Himself

Unfortunately, your child may need to deal with dangers closer to home than strangers. The sad truth is that most forms of physical and sexual abuse are not inflicted by strangers, but by someone whom the abused child knows fairly well: parents, other relatives, friends of the family, neighbors. So you will need to teach your child to protect himself from the abuse of people he knows as well as from strangers.

The key to combating child abuse is to empower your child by giving him the right to say no. He needs to understand clearly that:

• His body is his own body and he has the right to keep it private.
• He has the right to refuse any kind of touch from another person.
• He has the right to say no to anyone who wants to keep something a "secret."

If he knows the names of all parts of the body, then you can clearly tell your child that no adult (or older child) other than a parent, doctor, or nurse has permission to touch his penis or bottom. (Of course, younger preschoolers may also need a caregiver or preschool teacher to help wipe them after using the toilet. Make sure that your child understands this exception to the rule.) You can also make it clear that no adult (or older child) has the right to force or ask your child to touch his penis or her vagina.

Emphasize your child's ownership over his own body. His body belongs to nobody else, not even to you. This means that he has the right to say no to any adult who wants to touch him in any way. Even if an uncomfortable touch seems accidental or the person who touches is a relative or someone whom your child trusts, he still has the right to say, "Don't touch me like that."

If you want your child to recognize, appreciate, and exercise his rights over his own body, you will have to respect those rights, too. Don't force physical signs of affection on your child. If you want a hug or a kiss, ask for one. But if he shies away or says no, as some preschoolers begin to do, respect that and back off a little. This same rule should of course be applied to all of your friends and relatives. When your sister comes to visit, you should never command your child, "Give your aunt a kiss." Rather, ask your child, "Do you want to give your aunt a kiss?" If he says no, don't apologize or make excuses. That's his right.

Finally, teach your child the difference between "good secrets" and "bad secrets." An adult who physically or sexually abuses a child will almost always insist that the child keep it a secret—and often threatens harm if he reveals it. So you'll need to give your child guidelines that let him know when to keep secrets—and when to tell them.

A good secret, one that's okay to keep, is usually exciting and fun (a birthday present, or a surprise party). A good secret almost always involves hiding knowledge from one or two special people for a short period of time (hardly ever longer than a month). But a bad secret probably won't make your child feel excited or happy. Instead, it feels like trouble—and no one is ever supposed to find out about it. This is the type of secret that your child should reveal to a responsible adult as soon as possible.

Your child needs to know that he can and should tell you or another trusted adult if anyone asks him to do something that makes him feel funny or uncomfortable or scared—or if anyone touches his genitalia. Encourage him to ask you about any adult behavior that confuses him or makes him uncomfortable. Most of all, your child needs to know that you'll listen to him if he does. So never punish him for revealing information to you. If you show that you are open to any and all questions and that you will listen if he tells you that something bad happened, then you'll go a long way toward protecting your preschooler from any potential abuse.

Just Tell

Just Tell is an incredible organization that I hope everyone will support.

 "JustTell envisions a world in which children who are molested immediately turn to a trusted adult figure in their lives and tell them of the abuse. That trusted adult has information to help the child though the next steps so that the abuse is stopped and the abuser is prevented from harming other children.
In our vision, children do not have to bear the scars of unrevealed and repeated abuse, the consequences of which have been repeatedly shown to include higher-than-average rates of: drug and alcohol abuse, self-destructive behaviors, guilt and shame."


Just Tell

Trauma 101

What is emotional and psychological trauma?

Emotional and psychological trauma is the result of extraordinarily stressful events that shatter your sense of security, making you feel helpless and vulnerable in a dangerous world.

Traumatic experiences often involve a threat to life or safety, but any situation that leaves you feeling overwhelmed and alone can be traumatic, even if it doesn’t involve physical harm. It’s not the objective facts that determine whether an event is traumatic, but your subjective emotional experience of the event. The more frightened and helpless you feel, the more likely you are to be traumatized.

A stressful event is most likely to be traumatic if:

• It happened unexpectedly.
• You were unprepared for it.
• You felt powerless to prevent it.
• It happened repeatedly.
• Someone was intentionally cruel.
• It happened in childhood.

Emotional and psychological trauma can be caused by single-blow, one-time events, such as a horrible accident, a natural disaster, or a violent attack. Trauma can also stem from ongoing, relentless stress, such as living in a crime-ridden neighborhood, struggling with cancer or anything that undermines your sense of safety and security – including great disappointment.

Commonly overlooked sources of emotional and psychological trauma

• Falls or sports injuries
• Surgery (especially in the first 3 years of life)
• The sudden death of someone close
• An auto accident
• The breakup of a significant relationship
• A humiliating or deeply disappointing experience
• The discovery of a life-threatening illness or disabling condition
• A loss of money that safeguarded your security   

Adapted from HealingResources.info

Risk factors that increase your vulnerability to trauma

Not all potentially traumatic events lead to lasting emotional and psychological damage. Some people rebound quickly from even the most tragic and shocking experiences. Others are devastated by experiences that, on the surface, appear to be less upsetting.

A number of risk factors make people susceptible to emotional and psychological trauma. People are more likely to be traumatized by a stressful experience if they’re already under a heavy stress load or have recently suffered a series of losses.

People are also more likely to be traumatized by a new situation if they’ve been traumatized before – especially if the earlier trauma occurred in childhood.

Childhood trauma increases the risk of future trauma

Traumatic experiences in childhood can have a severe and long-lasting effect. Children who have been traumatized see the world as a frightening and dangerous place. When childhood trauma is not resolved, this fundamental sense of fear and helplessness carries over into adulthood, setting the stage for further trauma.

Childhood trauma results from anything that disrupts a child’s sense of safety and security, including:

An unstable or unsafe environment Separation from a parent Serious illness Intrusive medical procedures

Sexual, physical, or verbal abuse Domestic violence Neglect Bullying

Symptoms of emotional trauma

Following a traumatic event, most people experience a wide range of physical and emotional reactions. These are NORMAL reactions to ABNORMAL events. The symptoms may last for days, weeks, or even months after the trauma ended. 

Emotional symptoms of trauma:

Shock, denial, or disbelief Anger, irritability, mood swings Guilt, shame, self-blame Feeling sad or hopeless

Confusion, difficulty concentrating Anxiety and fear Withdrawing from others Feeling disconnected or numb

Physical symptoms of trauma:

Insomnia or nightmares Being startled easily Racing heartbeat Aches and pains

Fatigue Difficulty concentrating Edginess and agitation Muscle tension

These symptoms and feelings typically last from a few days to a few months, gradually fading as you process the trauma. But even when you’re feeling better, you may be troubled from time to time by painful memories or emotions—especially in response to triggers such as an anniversary of the event or an image, sound, or situation that reminds you of the traumatic experience.

Grieving is normal following a traumatic event

Whether or not a traumatic event involves death, survivors must cope with the loss, at least temporarily, of their sense of safety and security. The natural reaction to this loss is grief. Like people who have lost a loved one, trauma survivors go through a grieving process. This process, while inherently painful, is easier if you turn to others for support, take care of yourself, and talk about how you feel.

Trauma and the body

Trauma disrupts the body’s natural equilibrium, freezing you in a state of hyperarousal and fear. In essence, your nervous system gets stuck in overdrive. Successful trauma treatment must address this imbalance and reestablish your physical sense of safety.

You can bring your nervous system back into balance by discharging this pent-up energy in a physical way:

Trembling or shaking Sweating Breathing deeply Laughing

Crying Stomach rumbling Feeling of warmth Goosebumps

When to seek professional help for trauma

Recovering from a traumatic event takes time, and everyone heals at his or her own pace. But if months have passed and your symptoms aren’t letting up, you may need professional help from a trauma expert.

It’s a good idea to seek professional help if you’re:

• Having trouble functioning at home or work
• Suffering from severe fear, anxiety, or depression
• Unable to form close, satisfying relationships
• Experiencing terrifying memories, nightmares, or flashbacks
• Avoiding more and more things that remind you of the trauma
• Emotionally numb and disconnected from others
• Using alcohol or drugs to feel better

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

PTSD is the most severe form of emotional and psychological trauma. Its primary symptoms include intrusive memories or flashbacks, avoiding things that remind you of the traumatic event, and living in a constant state of “red alert”. If you have PTSD, it’s important to see a trauma specialist.

Finding a trauma specialist

Trauma therapist referral

For help locating a trauma therapist, treatment center, or support group in your area, contact the Sidran Traumatic Stress Institute by email or by phone at (410) 825-8888 ext. 203.

Working through trauma can be scary, painful, and potentially retraumatizing. Because of the risk of retraumatization, this healing work is best done with the help of an experienced trauma specialist.

Finding the right therapist may take some time. It’s very important that the therapist you choose has experience treating trauma. But the quality of the relationship with your therapist is equally important. Choose a trauma specialist you feel comfortable with. Trust your instincts. If you don’t feel safe, respected, or understood – find another therapist. There should be a sense of trust and warmth between you and your therapist.

After meeting a potential trauma therapist, ask yourself these questions:

• Did you feel comfortable discussing your problems with the therapist?
• Did you feel like the therapist understood what you were talking about?
• Were your concerns taken seriously or were they minimized or dismissed?
• Were you treated with compassion and respect?
• Do you believe that you could grow to trust the therapist?

Treatments for emotional trauma

In order to heal from psychological and emotional trauma, you must face and resolve the unbearable feelings and memories you’ve long avoided. Otherwise they will return again and again, unbidden and uncontrollable.

Trauma treatment and healing involves:

• Processing trauma-related memories and feelings
• Discharging pent-up “fight-or-flight” energy
• Learning how to regulate strong emotions
• Building or rebuilding the ability to trust other people

Trauma therapy treatment approaches

The following therapies are commonly used in the treatment of emotional and psychological trauma:

• Somatic experiencing takes advantage of the body’s unique ability to heal itself. The focus of therapy is on bodily sensations, rather than thoughts and memories about the event. By concentrating on what’s happening in your body, you gradually get in touch with trauma-related energy and tension. From there, your natural survival instincts take over, safely releasing this pent-up energy through shaking, crying, and other forms of physical release.
• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) incorporates elements of cognitive-behavioral therapy with eye movements or other forms of rhythmic, left-right stimulation. In a typical EMDR therapy session, you focus on traumatic memories and associated negative emotions and beliefs while tracking your therapist’s moving finger with your eyes. These back-and-forth eye movements are thought to work by “unfreezing” traumatic memories, allowing you to resolve them.
• Cognitive-behavioral therapy helps you process and evaluate your thoughts and feelings about a trauma. While cognitive-behavioral therapy doesn’t treat the physiological effects of trauma, it can be helpful when used in addition to a body-based therapy such as somatic experiencing or EMDR.

Trauma recovery tips

Recovering from emotional and psychological trauma takes time. Give yourself time to heal and to mourn the losses you’ve experienced. Don’t try to force the healing process. Be patient with the pace of recovery. Finally, be prepared for difficult and volatile emotions. Allow yourself to feel whatever you’re feeling without judgment or guilt.

Staying grounded: A trauma self-help exercise

It is very important to stay ‘grounded.’ If you are feeling disoriented, confused, or upset, you can do the following exercise:

• Sit on a chair. Feel your feet on the ground. Press on your thighs. Feel your behind on the seat and your back against the chair.
• Look around you and pick six objects that have red or blue. This should allow you to feel in the present, more grounded, and in your body. Notice how your breath gets deeper and calmer.
• You may want to go outdoors and find a peaceful place to sit on the grass. As you do, feel how your body can be held and supported by the ground.

Source: Gina Ross and Peter Levine, Emotional First Aid

Trauma prevention and self-help strategies:

• Don’t isolate. Following a trauma, you may want to withdraw from others. But isolation makes things worse. Connecting to others will help you heal, so make an effort to maintain your relationships and avoid spending too much time alone.
• Ask for support. It’s important to talk about your feelings and ask for the help you need. Turn to a trusted family member, friend, counselor, or clergyman. You may also want to join a support group for trauma survivors. Support groups are especially helpful if your personal support network is limited.
• Establish a daily routine. In order to stay grounded after a trauma, it helps to have a structured schedule to follow. Try to stick to a daily routine, with regular times for waking, sleeping, eating, working, and exercise. Make sure to schedule time for relaxing and social activities, too.
• Take care of your health. A healthy body increases your ability to cope with stress. Get plenty of rest, exercise regularly, and eat a well-balanced diet. It’s also important to avoid alcohol and drugs. Alcohol and drug use can worsen your trauma symptoms and exacerbate feelings of depression, anxiety, and isolation.